I am sad to report that it looks like there will be no baptism this weekend. Jiao Mei, after a long process, has decided that she needs to wait to be baptized. It is quite sad as she really doesn't need to wait. She has a testimony; she has a desire to be baptized; she has repented; she has a desire to follow Christ to the end – all of the requirements for baptism. On Thursday, she told us that she had been talking to her dad who investigated the church for MANY years before finally being baptized. He is also unfortunately less active now, but gratefully not antagonistic towards the church. He just is prioritizing other things over it. He feels that she doesn't need to rush into baptism and has cited all of the preparation he did before finally deciding to be baptized (having read the whole book of Mormon and done a lot of study, etc. She, who was already feeling nervous herself, was convinced. Thankfully, she was willing to talk openly with us about it, and we encouraged her to have her baptismal interview on Sunday and then decide. She agreed to do so.
She had her baptismal interview and passed it with flying colors. She came out saying that Elder George said the same things that we have said – that she doesn't need to know everything, she doesn't need to finish the Book of Mormon, that she needs to believe and have a desire and she doesn't need to wait for this some unknown time of "readiness" – a readiness that is not described in the scriptures. We talked the issue up and down, and she talked to members about it who also encouraged her by saying that Satan often gives us temptation and trails before we make an important decision etc. In the end, she decided that she will not get baptized this weekend. What scares me is that she doesn't have a plan for how to become prepared for baptism in the future; she just doesn't feel ready. But she can't even say way she isn't ready. It terrifies me that she will just float outside of the gate with nothing but fear blocking the gate. There is a difference between knowing that you need additional preparation and then taking the action to complete that and just not feeling ready and not having a plan or a commitment to make yourself ready.
I am trying to have faith, but I am having a really hard time with this. I just don't understand why this keeps happening. I don't understand why these people that I teach who have learned everything they need to learn, who believe and have a testimony in everything they need to have a testimony of, who have committed to baptism, and who openly tell you that they desire baptism, will, at the last minute, push it aside. They push it aside to wait for some unknown date that unless chosen and acted upon with faith will never come. Both Shu-feng and Jiao Mei decided to be baptized and wanted to work towards it. I didn't push the date of the 16th on Jiao Mei; that was the date she herself chose. And I see what has happened to Shu-feng since making the decision not to be baptized right now. She is swimming around, wanting to improve, but never acknowledging the absolute inevitability of the Savior in that improvement.
How can we look at the Savior's atonement with its magnitude and mercy and just push it aside because it is not convenient to follow his commandments? Covenants are not convenient and they are not easy, but neither was Jesus atoning for our sins. I don't say this out of a lack of compassion or love for these two girls; I just feel such extreme sadness at their lack of understating of the Savior's atonement, and I feel inadequate as their teacher because in the end, they are just content to float around waiting to be acted upon rather than to act.
I love Jiao Mei with all of my heart, and I am terrified from her response that this will be a digression point, not a launching point like it was for someone like Chen Ming Zhu who felt she needed to prepare more for baptism but had a plan and acted. Jiao Mei, in my opinion and in the authoritative decision of the baptismal interviewer, is prepared, and the only thing that is keeping her from being fully prepared is actually making the decision to take the leap of faith to be baptized. I am trying to have faith in the future, but I am having a really hard time with this right now.
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